Journaling

My massage therapist told me I should start journaling and I thought when do I have the time?  But I thought I'd get some quick thoughts out since I never use this thing, but wish I did.  I'm back in school.  This is where all my time is going, but I love it.  Have I found my passion?  I hope so!  I love what I am learning about but sheesh these teachers give a lot of homework.  And the ones that don't just base it off of four tests that cover all the information in the text.  All of it.  It's a lot of work.  I only work 20 hours a week now, so you think I would have plenty of time, but somehow there just never seems to be enough!  I'm making it work though!

Anyone know any great single guys? Yeah, me neither.  This single things a real bust.  But I guess it gives me time to focus on school. :)  If you happen to know one send him my way, because I'm pretty amazing and he'd probably think so too. :)

I found this amazing church here that I love. Rock Harbor.  If you are looking for a great church come check it out!  I serve in the 2-3 room on Sunday and I love it!  When the kids learn their memory verses instead of just following me, I am so proud!  They are all so sweet! :)  We are doing a Bible study on Wednesday mornings as well and I love that!  It is so fun to get together with other women and just talk about this crazy journey we call life.

Tanning - Sun!  The sun needs to come back because no one wants a tan!  :)  But as soon as that sun peaks out you all better come see me because this working part time biz means no money for me plus doesn't everyone want a healthy glow for spring and summer???  You know you do! :)

I am doing P90x3 again.  With my madre!  About to start week 4 and so proud of us both.  She does not work out and modifies a ton so I am so glad she is doing it and I needed to get off my bum and get back in gear so it is nice to have a partner.  Well that is all for now.  I have to go take a quiz and do a thousand more assignments and study!

Oh, and why did I see a massage therapist?  I have TMJ, and apparently there are massage people who specialize in the back/neck/face to loosen up those muscles.  If anyone has issues with this let me know b/c I had chronic jaw pain (mostly in my ear which felt like a constant earache and was really fun!).  My dentist recommended her, and I was sure I would have to go multiple times to even feel some relief.  Nope.  One time and the pain is gone.  Miracle worker I tell you.  And totally reasonably priced (or maybe I am still used to Seattle prices).  So, that is why I took her journaling advice.  Anyways, I will go back b/c she is amaze-balls, and I want to keep the pain away but it's been over a week and I am still pain free.  So happy! :)

Dan + Shay

If you like country music and don't know these guys - you will!  I love them!!  I got to go to a meet and greet and their concert in Seattle last week.   (They will be here in Boise on the 25th - get your tickets!)  I had already purchased the tickets before I left Seattle and I was not going to miss them.  I love meet and greets and any opportunity to meet celebrities.  Musicians especially because I LOVE live music.  It's probably where most of my money goes because I am always down for a good concert.  Here are some pics and a video!  

 Dan, Me and Shay

 Dan, Kate, Shay and Me

 Kate and I getting photo bombed by one of Dan and Shay's tour mates :)

 Singing their hearts out - we were so close I actually felt awkward :)

Nothin' Like You - one of my fav songs - it's what they are singing above

I Got a Job!!

My old company is awesome because they are national and even though they don't have a location here in Boise, I was offered a position on another team where I can work remotely!  I will never be late to work again! :)  I start Friday and this is such an answer to prayers because I am trying to pay off debt (one reason I am living with my parents) and two the job market here in Boise is very different and I was going to take a huge pay cut to work here in another position.  (And since my goal is to pay off debt that was going to add on extra time that I would prefer to avoid.)  I am pretty sure I will be going to school starting in January.  I really do want to be a nurse and despite the back and forth on not wanting to give up a couple more years of my life to school I think this is the best choice for me.

I have a great workout set up in my garage so if anyone is doing any fitness challenges I would love to join in!  I have yet to use it, but will be later today!  (To be fair I set it up then went back to Seattle for a few days for a concert.)  I am so thankful to be back here in Boise and to have the chance to be here with my family.  As crazy as it sounds I am actually enjoying living here, which I did not think would be the case!  I knew coming back here was the right decision, but I didn't realize how quickly I would adjust and find so much joy and happiness.  I am so grateful for that!

I'm Back!!!

Oh this title means so many things!!!  I am back to blogging number 1!  And, I'm back in Boise!  Yay!  I'm also back to a routine (somewhat), and all settled in here at home.  That's right!  Back at the ol' parents pad!  :)  So thankful for this though because I can pay off some debt and start things off right here in Idaho.  However, I do still need a job, so I haven't paid off much debt yet! :)  I am just trusting God to help work things out and to humble me if I do have to ask for some (hopefully VERY short term) help from my parents.  Meanwhile,  my tanning biz is all set up here, so if anyone needs a tan I am running a special for $20!!!  Let me know if you are interested.

I am hoping to go back to school in January for nursing.  Not 100% sure on that yet, but we will see! :)  I actually have a few more things to blog about so I will be updating again soon!  And if anyone wants to hang out let me know.  I am so excited to be back here!

This is us caravaning back home!  I'm in the front my dad is in the Budget truck and my mom is driving their car and taking pictures. :) Love my family and so grateful for their help in getting me back to Idaho safely!!  Seattle friends I miss and love you all, and will be visiting soon!!! XOXO 

I Ate My Feelings Today

Disclaimer: I have been off my depression meds for a week (couldn't afford a refill on the prescription).  I am back on them as of today, but this all may sound a little worse b/c of that fact.

Today was a bad day.  Just one day after "beginning" my weight loss journey I fell back into the same pitfalls that got me to the weight I am today.   And in the interest of putting it all out there here was my day.  Let me set the scene first.

Last week at work we got in trouble for our numbers and had a review.  If you think about it the week that we were getting in trouble for was the week of the 4th of July.  I was out to days b/c I was sick and then we had a day and a half off for the holiday.  I still managed to get 4 client meetings and a couple job orders.  My coworkers were also out a few days due to vacation and illness.  We all got a nice talking to about how much we suck at our jobs.  This is why I struggle with this job.  If you take a vacation you are still expected to be amazing and not let it affect your numbers.  What is the point of a vacation if I have to work the whole time?  That is not a vacation.  I come in today after learning on Friday we have to have a meeting today to talk about our activity.  I am dreading this.  Then our boss doesn't even show up.  Which should be a blessing, but the lecture is still coming.  Apparently, my frustration has shown through as one of my coworkers asks me what is wrong.

Let's rewind a bit more.  I found out last week my grandpa has pneumonia after having heart surgery.  I rarely talk about my grandpa b/c I don't have much of a relationship with him.  I have tried but it's not easy. They still live in Wisconsin so visiting him is a bit of a trek. He likes to ask questions then interrupt you during the answer.  He married a not so nice person and last time we visited we were not well received.  There were a lot of questions of why we were there, and I'm thinking, well it is your birthday so we thought we'd come celebrate but if you don't want us to be here we can go.  At his party he thanked his wife's side of the family for coming but not any of us.  Oh I just flew 2000 miles to be here, but they drove 45 minutes so yay to them for being there for you.  I promised myself I wouldn't go back b/c it really hurt my feelings to try to do something nice and basically be shit on.  My parents and I were going to go to Hawaii this year for Christmas.  Now, my mom is like well we should go to Wisconsin instead to see your grandpa b/c he is not doing well.  Not to sound like a selfish bitch, but excuse me?  Now I have to give up my vacation and spend it in the tundra (Wisconsin) in December with someone who will probably thank everyone but me for being there?  No thanks.  I don't have any desire to get hurt like that again.  Do I want my grandpa to be sick?  Of course not.  But I also want to be from a family where your grandparents love you and enjoy spending time with you...

And my last frustration is many things jumbled into one.  I really hurt my knee when I fell last week and again on Saturday.  It hurts to move it and I woke up with the worst pain in it last night, and was up for an hour trying to fall back asleep!  However, it's summer and I want to enjoy it.  Where are all my friends who love adventure and trying new things?  I would love to spend a weekend in Silverwood and go to the amusement park there.  No one thinks that sounds like fun!  I want to go swimming at one of the lakes nearby - again struggling to find people who think that sounds fun.  I cried the whole way home from work telling my dad about all the things I am upset about.  There are more that I can't quite put out there right now including my weight - which you all know about, but mostly I was just emotional.  I know I sound like such a debbie downer, but a lot of things piled on to me today and I came home and did the worst thing I could.  I ate.

I had a bag of cheetos and a bag of doritos.  Not a full size bag but still - the ones you get at the gas station.  I know I'm an emotional eater and I hate that.  I am writing all this down because I don't want to hide it anymore.  I want people to know so that I can start to heal and make positive choices.  I want to be on a healthy journey but I don't want to let a little setback deter my end goal.  Tomorrow I will be purchasing some healthy food items to start my days off right.  (I had to wait until I got paid!)  I will be posting those tomorrow, so there is only one day of bitching.  I am promising to be 100 % honest on this journey so I needed to get this all out so you (and I) know where I am starting at.

My Weight Loss Journey

I have talked a little bit about my weight loss/gain struggles a bit, but since this blog has been getting rejected and I need to hold myself accountable, I am dedicating this blog to that process.  I have been doing p90x on and off for the past couple years.  I have a thyroid disorder (hypothyroidism).  This causes my body to hang on to weight.  It loves fat!  :) The problem is I hate it.  However, more than anything I need to be healthy.  I am 30 years old and when I graduated from college I was a size 6.  I want to get back there!  I have gone up 12 sizes since then.  (Putting it all out there - since sizes go by 2, can I say I've just gone up 6 sizes? Haha)   I have had no kids yet, so I have nothing but myself to blame it on.  I struggle with depression and this weight struggle cannot be helping!

My struggles that are not due to nature.  I like to eat bad food. My vices are salty foods.  I like chips and dip.  I don't crave sugar as much (although I do love fro-yo).  I don't love veggies.  I like spinach, carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, corn, onions, avocado and tomatoes (which I think are technically a fruit).  I love fruit.  I eat chicken, hamburger, and turkey for meat, as I don't like a lot of meats either.  I am going to start eating smoothies in the morning and making sure I get lots of greens in there to up my veggie intake.

My goal is to work out at least 4-5 times a week for at least 30 minutes until I start p90x again in September with some friends.  (Then it's 6 days a week!)  I am seeing a specialist for my thyroid in August to make sure my body is all ready to help me in my health goals!  So, here is to good health.  Feel free to share any tips that have worked for you!  I am open to anything and excited to share my journey with you!

Yay!

Endless Glow Tan Tech of the week!!!!  Check it out, and book an appointment at jessicahintz.schedulething.com. 

Hey You!!!

Are you bored?  Looking to earn extra money?  Wondering how to spend your time during these summer months (or all year)?  Become an endless glow tan tech!!!  It's quick and easy to get certified and you will be making money in no time!!  Bonus points if you live in Seattle - there is hardly any competition here!  Except the dreaded tanning salons and their booths!  However, if you live anywhere and are interested in joining me and my team let me know!  Endless Glow is the best sunless tanning products on the market.  I use them myself and love the constant glow they give me.  They are a safe alternative to tanning, and it's customized for each individual.  I honestly love being a part of this company and making people look and feel beautiful.  I would love to have you on my team.  Message me for more information!

You're Gonna What??!!!

So, as you can see in my previous posts, I am not 100% sold on the job I am doing. Part of me has complained I don't want to work at all. I have searched and gone back to school and tried to figure out what I want to do with my life. As I've gotten older, I have a clearer picture of what I want to do. It's honestly what I thought I wanted to do when I went to school the first time, but I got scared. I want to be a nurse. I want to be able to work here in the US or have opportunities to serve overseas. I want to be able to give back and feel like I am helping people. And, I love medical stuff. I watch those True stories of Life in the ER marathons and get sad when it starts over again. I (finally) think I figured out what I want to do! So, the next step... back to school I go! I have a lot of little things to figure out in the meantime, so any prayers would be appreciated. I still may change my mind as I am trying to trust God to show me if this is the right step, but I think as things fall into place, this will become apparent. Oh man, do I really want to do school again? I promised myself I wouldn't have to go back! :) I think I will enjoy this though, so it won't be like accounting classes that make me want to poke my eye out! Here's to the next step and figuring it all out! :) Wish me luck!

Endless Glow Tan by me - Up and Running

First and foremost thank you to all of you who have booked a tan with me! I love making people feel beautiful and a healthy glow makes everyone's day better! :) I am currently still running my $20 special, so book now to be ready for summer! I look forward to making you look an feel beautiful! Second - this starting a new business is a little tough, but luckily I have great mentors helping me along the way. I think a big problem here in Seattle is people are not wearing less clothing yet. Currently, I am sitting in my grey uggs and leggings with my heater on. :) No one wants to tan if they are not going to get to show it off. I do have a couple appointments next week for pre-vacation. And then one the following week. I knew this would be tough but I think having a full time job limits the time I can put into this. But I love it! :) I am going to throw a party in a few weeks b/c I think as June approaches people will want to tan (even though we don't get consistent sun here until July)! Just a quick update on the biz!

Endless Glow Tanning by Me!

It's official!  I am a certified spray tan tech!  Tell one tell all (who live in the Seattle area).  I cannot tell you how excited I am about this.  I loved doing the tans today and watching my friend's reactions to seeing how they looked after.  (And getting the texts later that say - my boyfriend was like "Damn girl!  You look hot!  Like you just got back from Mexico!) Here are some pics and leave a comment if you are interested in getting tan!  :)  I am running a special right now so contact me for more info!

Life is Hard

I watch way too much TV.  That is a given.  I think a lot of it has to do with being an only child growing up with a single mom.  I've always had friends and I grew up playing with kids and having lots of friends.  However, when I had to be alone, TV was the one to keep me company.  (Side note - I always just thought I was part of the Full House clan - it's probably why I still LOVE the Olsen twins to this day.)  Anyways, the point is I am not being critical of how much TV I watch, but that I watch it and really seek to understand these people as if they are my friends.  I think it is why I love reality TV.

I started watching Teen Mom years ago, when it started.  They just did an update special on all the girls.  And, it was hard to watch.  I wanted so badly to see change in these girls.  I wanted them to grow and be stronger than the people I watched when the show went off the air.  But it was the same old shit.  Farrah is still fighting with her mom and dad.  But, then is extremely codependent as she invites them to be a huge part of her life only to fight with them more.  Caitlynn and Tyler are still not married, but are living together and still dating.  Amber has made the most change, but it took a year and a half in prison to do so, and only time will tell if she can stay off drugs and be a good mom to her daughter.

My point is to not judge these girls at all.  What it made me think is, what if my life was on TV?  Would people see a different person from who I was 5 years ago?  Or would I just be an older shell of myself?  Change is great in theory and in the form of a resolution.  But is it really possible?  Yes.  I believe it is, but that does not take away the fact that it is hard.   Very hard.  And, this show made me realize it.  I am just as disappointed in myself for not being able to make changes in my life overnight, but why?  It's not that easy.  Does that mean you stop trying?  Of course not.  I need to keep going and keep working on bettering myself, but still love and forgive myself when it doesn't happen overnight.  I read on instagram a post similar to this:

The changes I want to make in myself are not just physical.  I struggle to see the good in myself in general.  I know I'm funny.  Some days I think I look pretty, but I just want to believe I am an amazing human being and people like me and want to know because of who I am, not because of how I look.  For a lot of years, I was skinny and pretty (blonde/big boobs).  I lived that persona.  Mostly, with guys.  I harbored a lot of self worth in looking good.  And, I think that is where some of my weight gain came from.  I was tired of being thought of as a piece of meat.  Although, I know I could just simply stop showing off my cleavage, and stop dressing to show off my curves, it was more than that.  It was almost a rebellion to this lifestyle I have lived where I am used to being checked out by guys.  I am learning that I need to deal with those issues and that desire to get away from that, is keeping me from truly being happy and wanting to be healthy.  I want to love myself.  I want to be healthy.  I want to be happy.  And I'm working on figuring out how...

Update

First and foremost - thank you to everyone who reached out to me about my last post.  I am so blessed to have such amazing people around me, and I am so grateful for you all!  Anna - your blog inspires me often.  I love that you are real and I thank you for showing me it's okay to speak your truth even when it's not pretty.  Rachel - thanks for your message and I know you can relate.  Having people who understand where you are coming from makes me feel less alone.  And, you are my hope that online dating is not in vain! :) Natalie - thank you for always being there for me - even when you have a lot going on in your world as well!  You are a great friend, and I thank you for being you! :)  Annie - I have never felt so lucky to call someone my friend as I do with you!  You say you feel like you are not always kind, but I have never met anyone who is able to be so nice and see the best in everyone around them.  For a girl who decides whether or not I like someone quickly, this is a trait I admire and envy.  Thank you for being my friend through all these years - I am so lucky to have you!  (Sidenote - super excited about Lady A next month!)

I am doing much better, and have done a lot of soul searching this week.  I am reading a new book about Ruth (from the bible - if you don't know her story - check it out, she's pretty amazing).  This book talks about all the suffering that happened in her life and her mother's life, and it fits in with what I am dealing with (actually, it puts things in perspective as well - this women was barren and then her husband died, leaving her basically alone in a patriarchal society - so far that's not my life! :)  I also learned how important it is to share.  When I spoke to a couple coworkers and they said they understood it was a weight lifted off my shoulders.  Then messages poured in again saying - you aren't alone!  Sometimes, that's all it takes to remember - wait I'm not alone!  I also started to think of ways I can get out of the house, make some new friends, and in general just keep myself around people instead of bottled up inside!

The best part is that I talked to my mom about this.  I try to hide a lot of the "bad stuff" from my mom.  I don't know why I do that, but I think it is from habit.  I didn't do that this time and I am glad I got to talk to her.  I am so grateful for my mother.  I did not appreciate her as I should have during my teenage years, but I am so glad we are close now.  Plus, she's a blast - so chatting with her almost always makes things better! :)
All this to say - thank you!  My family, my friend's, fellow bloggers, you all rock and I am so thankful for you!

Let's Get Real

I had a tough weekend.  I spent way too much time alone, and it lead me into a depression.  Was that the only thing that caused it?  Of course not.  I didn't feel good, we set some crazy goals at work that overwhelmed me and thing upon thing buried me until I was deep in the hole of depression.  I thought about ending it all.  But I can't do that to myself or those around me.  Depression is a deep, dark emotion that truly scares me.  When it grabs hold of me, I can't do anything except let it take me over and then I am with it in this deep, dark cave.

I used to hide all this.  I would just go to my room and cry, maybe even up my dosage on my meds.  But, now I try to face it.  I didn't call my mom all day, but she finally called me at 9:30 and I told her all about it.  Some of the things I'm facing are real, and I could change, but some are circumstantial and are not things I am in control of.  Work is a big thing for me.  I hate admitting this, but I don't like working.  I don't dislike my job (most days), but I hate getting up every day and going to work.  I hate the schedule, the fact that I "have" to do it b/c I have to pay bills and if I don't do it no one will.  It makes me feel very trapped and that is what I hate the most.

I went to bed after talking to my mom, and woke up today and chatted with some girls at work.  I thought for sure they would look at me like I'm crazy, but they could each relate to one thing that I was saying and the fact that I had all these issues all at once - they could tell why I was struggling.  It felt good to know I wasn't alone.

I realized how important it is to talk about my issues.  When I bottle it all up is when there is a problem.  But, when I share, suddenly, a world opens up around me of understanding people who are not against me, but are trying their best to make it through as well! :)  It also made me realize I'm not the only one struggling.  We all are sometimes, and so I need to be kind and loving to those around me b/c I never know what is going on in their life!!  So, thanks for listening and being on this journey with me.  I know I will have to fight this depression thing again, but as long as I stay open and honest, I know I will make it through!

New Year's Resolutions

As I get older, I hardly ever do these as I have learned they never turn out and can make you feel like a failure. However, this year I have a few good ones I want to write down and hold myself accountable.

1. Be confident - this is always something I have struggled in. It goes along with loving myself unconditionally, which I also struggle with. I am going to work on this each day and little by little hopefully what I tell myself each day will become true as internal thoughts instead of just words being said at me.

2. Excel at work - I tend to do a lot of things "good enough". I want to do really well at work this year because if I do, I can pay off most of, if not all, of my debt which would be huge for me! Also, I think working hard would really help me feel better about myself in general because it's always nice when you are being successful at work.

3. Figure out the reasons I struggle with being so lazy. Whether it is depression, working too many hours, not getting enough sleep, I want to get to the bottom of it so I can be healthy all the way around. Laying around all weekend is okay once in awhile but each weekend! Not okay! I want to enjoy life - right now I am just living.

So cheers to 2014! I hope it brings you all your hopes and desires! :)

Control Freak

So I have been thinking A LOT lately about goals and what I want to do with my life.  Maybe this happens to others when they turn 30, I don't know.  I like my job for right now.  The only thing that is tough are the hours.  I work a lot!  And I don't love that.  I think I want to be an esthetician (sp?).  I love skin and skin care.  However, this goal cannot be accomplished until a lot of things happen.

First off - my debt.  I hate that I have it, but it's true.  This is a huge reason I took this job.  I should be able to pay off my debt soon.  I will have school debt till I die, but that is okay.  Haha - not really, but it feels that way!  Credit cards were my best friend in college.  Eww.  I hate that it was true.  And worse post college when my parents stopped supporting me and I found out what the real world really was!  I was never taught good spending habits or the way to save money.  My savings account would give most people a heart attack as I am proud when there is an extra $200-300 in there.  Eek!  This is embarrassing to admit but admission is the first steps to recovery! :)  The main reason I have this job is to reach this goal.  Your prayers would be appreciated. :)  (I hope people can read my sarcasm in all this b/c I like to laugh about these things as it helps me deal!)

Step two - why I want to be an esthetician.  Flexible hours and minimal school.  This will be the perfect job for me when I have kids and a family.  Oh but wait - step two is getting the kids and the family.  Which brings me to the whole point of this post - control freak.  I cannot control when / if I will get married or when / if I will have children.  (Well I can sort of control the having kids part, but I want to have a family, not just the kid part.  Single moms are great - I know - I was raised by one, but I really want to be married as well.)  All that to say that I have realized that is the part that bothers me the most!  I cannot control when I will meet someone.  I have to let it happen all on it's own.  I don't know why it has taken me this long to realize that is my issue with the whole thing.  And, when I do meet someone, I can't control if he will feel the same way about me.  I just have to relax and get to know him as a friend and then see where it goes.

I am not bothered that I don't have a boyfriend / husband, but it bugs me I can't just wake up tomorrow and say poof here he is!  I never realized what a control freak I am before!  And what an unattractive quality.  I just need to relax (easier said than done - ha!), and know that it will happen if it should, but if it doesn't it's not my fault.  This really is not something I can control unless I want to wind up on the news!  (And I don't - well unless it's for something super amazing no one else has ever done that people are praising me for.)

I am a little embarrassed it took me this long to realize this is something I need to let go of.  And not the idea and the hope, but this feeling that somehow I can make this happen.  I really can't.  As cheesy as it is I believe in fate, and two people being meant to be together and all that.  Yes, you work on it - but it starts by these two people both saying okay this is someone I genuinely love and life would be far better with her /him than without him.  So, those are my thoughts for today.  Quite a revelation for me, but for others you probably figured this out years ago... which is why you are married. :)  Haha

Idaho

So, I just started dating this guy and all was going well until he said something last night that is still on my mind.  I will talk to him about it later, but for now I am just gonna put it all out there.  In context, we were having an honest conversation of fears of a relationship, if we like each other and want to continue dating, all that fun stuff.  He said one of his fears about me was that I grew up in Idaho and he had met a lot of people from there who were missing some important things.  When I asked what they were missing his reply was ethics and morals.  WHAT??!!??

Okay, I'll admit I wasn't always a good girl.  I went to church all my life, but junior and senior year I explored the not so "Christian" world of drinking and parties.  Did it corrupt me? No.  Do I lack morals and ethical values?  Absolutely not!  And, no one I still know and love who lives there is like this at all.  I feel like he made a very gross generalization, and I am honestly quite offended by it.  First of all, now I feel like I have to prove I'm different, and I shouldn't have to prove anything to anyone.  I just want to be who I am.  Second of all, I am the first to admit I ran from Idaho and tried to leave a lot of pain behind when I did.  But a lot of it was teenage stuff - fighting with my mom, being "bored" b/c there was "nothing to do in Idaho" (I've since learned that is so NOT true!), and in general just wanting to be in a bigger city.  The 19 year old version of myself wanted to get out and explore, but not because I was morally void, but because I wanted to see what else was out there.

My family still lives there and so do some of my favorite people ever.  I honestly want to find someone who would be open to moving back there one day so I could be close to my family again.  I don't think I would ever judge someone because of where they came from.  I may make assumptions, but I try to give people a chance to show me who they are before I decide, they are where they came from.  Am I crazy to be bothered by this?  Are my "momma-bird" instincts coming up because Idaho is like that little sibling only you are allowed to make fun of but if anyone else does you will kick their ass?  :)  That may more of it than anything, but I don't know.  It just bugs me... and I wish he wouldn't have said it...

VEGAS!!

This year was my 30th birthday!!  I wanted to do something fun with my girlfriends, mainly so I could forget the fact that I'm 30!  :)  Really, though, it's not so bad.  We went to Vegas.  My goal was to literally lay out the entire time and go out at night.  But with 3 other girls, that wasn't their vision. :)  Some wanted to walk the strip and see other things - I could have stayed the whole time in our hotel.  (Mandalay Bay and we upgraded to a suite at THE hotel.)  It had everything!  3 pools, a lazy river, a sandy beach, a spa, multiple restaurants, shopping galore, seriously, I could have stayed there the whole time and been happy.

So, I did get a migraine the first day which went to the second and I finally had a prescription sent to the CVS on the strip.  (In my fantasy trip - this would have been my only trip out!:)  Our suite had an amazing tub and that night the girls were also tired so I got a bath ball at Lush (amazing store - check it out if you haven't been), and soothed all my troubles away - while watching Seinfeld b/c yes the bathroom had a TV.  That was my favorite night b/c we all relaxed and my friends got to chat with their hubby's and kids and I was just so thankful for my friends and where I am in life right now.

It's taken me a long time to be okay with being single.  Yes, I want a boyfriend, and eventually a husband, blah blah blah, but I am happy with who I am and where I am right now.  I didn't feel good this weekend and I got to come home and sleep on Friday and not have to worry about anything but myself.  I have learned how important it is to appreciate each season of life.  And right now, I am dating some, but truthfully, I am just working hard and accomplishing some things that are important to me (paying off debt, getting in shape -sort of - that's a tough one / constant struggle for me, but I am still working on it, and investing in my friendships).  Anyways, I literally dreaded the last few years as it put me closer to 30, but now that it's here, I don't know what I was so scared of because I love where I am right now! :)  Here are some fun Vegas pics!

Shakira and I by the pool - I was hoping to leave her color :) - it didn't happen :)

Paradise - one of the 3 pools at Mandalay Bay

All dressed up for my bday!!!

Out and about on the strip - this is Little Trinity - she has her own facebook page. :)  Also, for those who don't know me I love animals.  All animals - especially ones that are exciting to hold like this one and snakes - I love snakes.  Only the big ones though, not garter snakes and nothing that can poison me... so maybe I don't love ALL animals :)   But I love this one.

After drinking almost this whole slushy (yes it had alcohol), I thought it would be funny to share with this stone dog.  I realize it's not so funny anymore :)

All dressed up for our last night in Vegas at Hakkasan.  

Which looks a lot like the symbol for Kardashian Kollection... wonder if they are involved??  Kris Jenner is trying to take over the world...

Natalie and I all dolled up

Shakira and I all ready to dance!

Kate and I all ready to go! :)

Dancing with my girls!!  Wooh!!! 

And my Friday night delight - haha not the most traditional Vegas Friday night, but I loved every second of it!

Adult Acne

Ugh.  That's all I have to say about this.  I never really had skin issues growing up.  In sixth grade I had a few pimples on my forehead so I grew out my bangs got some Clearasil and problem solved.  Yes, I've had pimples here and there, but over the last couple years my skin has gone from occasional break out to straight up acne.  And it is humiliating.  Doesn't God know I'm trying to find a man here?  I told my mom I was going to start courting (instead of dating - watch 19 Kids and Counting if you don't know about it).  They don't kiss till their wedding day and have to keep a good distance away.  I look fine with makeup on, but when you get up close you can see it, so my thought was if he waited to kiss me till the wedding day he'd be stuck and there would be no turning back when he saw the true me.

This is how crazy I have become.  I have tried it all.  Proactive, dermatologist crap, retin A, anything minus a pill you take because that scares me and I have had some friends have struggles with that.  Currently, I am going to the esthetician monthly and getting facials and she gave me some products.  This worked for my mom's friend, and I am hoping it works for me.  I am still waiting, but hoping it is like working out and results aren't overnight.  I've been taking pictures to see if there is a difference.

So, why does this matter.  I know it is superficial to want clear skin, but I still want it.  All this confidence I had in myself is dwindling.  I have a job where I am meeting with CFO's and Controllers and I feel like I look 13 all over again.  Which we all know was a super fun year.

I really have no resolution with this blog post which is why I hadn't posted it yet.  I wanted to say, it took a few months, but it's all clear!  I know it's hereditary, and I believe it will clear up, but this interim stage of that's my face??  Really??  Gross... is not the best place to be.  It is helping me to be more understanding of others and their flaws and imperfections.  Because trust me I wash my face and take good care of myself, but I feel like I look very "unclean" right now. :(  I guess this is just life... or something like it. :)  Haha how's that for an ending? :)

Answered Prayer

So I was talking to one of my most favorite people in the world the other day.  She was my best friend in high school and I am so thankful we are still good friends to this day.  She asked me if I had a time where I knew God had answered my prayer and I said, yes, which got me thinking of how amazing God has been in my life.  I am not super Jesus-y on this blog, but my faith is very important to me and I think this is a cool story.  :)  If you don't want to indulge with me, feel free to stop reading now.

For those who don't know, I grew up in the suburbs of Milwaukee, WI with my mom.  My dad left when I was 2 years old.  The circumstances behind him leaving were messy and maybe for the best at the time, but I never stopped yearning for a dad.  I kept a journal even from the young age of six.  I love looking back at my cute writing and my sweet little innocent problems as well as my little crushes and just the sweet way I saw life.  I also had a very real eye that life could be tough and painful since I knew the struggles of growing up with out a dad.  I used to pray all the time that God would bring my dad back.  I remember one journal entry where he was supposed to visit one summer and I had written, well journal, as you can see by the date, summer's over and he never came!  (Apparently, my journal was also my friend or sibling since I was an only child!) :)  I tried really hard not to be bothered by it and to say it's ok because I have a father in Heaven who loved me (words I know I had heard at church, because what kid talks like that?)

Anyways, I did see my dad when I was 11 for about 20 minutes in a park in Wisconsin.  I guess he did tell my mom I could come visit him in Missouri, but that scared her so she said no.  Then we moved all the way to Idaho.  My mom met this (in my opinion random) guy at a conference in Colorado and fast forward through a 7 month long distance relationship and boom they got hitched and we landed in Meridian, Idaho half way through 7th grade.  THE WORST.  Why? Half way through any year is tough, but middle school was especially hard.  Some of the curriculum was flip flopped so some stuff I had already done and some I missed some of the basics... all in all just tough.

But what was more of an adjustment was living with a man.  I remember when we first got there and I was starving (I was 13 - when are teenagers not hungry?) and all he had was ketchup and pickles or some other random bachelor food. :)  And, of course it was super late and nothing was open!  I cried that night because I was so confused why "this" was my new life.  Gone were the days of walking from my room to the bathroom naked because when it's just girls, who cares?   Additionally, I never really learned how to respect a male.  As horrible as that is to admit, it was not taught.  "Men" were synonymous with the dad who left and couldn't be trusted - let alone respected.  This lead to a lot of fights and learning to control my tongue and (years later in my late 20's counseling to realize why I lacked this natural respect towards the male species.)

As much as I learned to live with this new man, and he continued to love me, I did not really invest in him as much as I could have.  We did finally find a common ground in basketball.  I kept stats in high school with one of my good friends, and my dad was one of the JV coaches.  Suddenly, he knew all of my friends and they all thought he was cool! (Go figure!)  Through that we were able to talk about guys a little more and finally connect and I remember realizing, wow, I've never had a guys perspective like this before.  But even as our relationship started to develop, I still was so excited to leave Idaho and start life on my own!

So, I ran out of Idaho as fast as I could come graduation day.  I was off to Seattle, and was so thankful to be on my own.  My first year of college was tough.  I fell in love and when that relationship ended I was so devastated.  I watched my roommate have this amazing relationship with her mom and I was so envious as my mom and I fought a lot still!  By the end of freshman year I wanted to run away again.  Then came Capernwray.

My cousin's parents wanted her to get out of Colorado (secretly I think they wanted her away from her boyfriend at the time) after she graduated high school.  They found this Bible school abroad that a lot of students go to before they start college the following year.  She said she'd do it if she didn't have to go alone.  They asked if I wanted to go, and I of course said yes, since I was still in my "I need to escape mode."  My mom had decided I wasn't much of a Christian (one of the reasons we were fighting so much - who was she to know me and what I thought?) and kept saying you know it's Bible school.  And I said yes, but Bible school in Greece and England.... I'll take it! :)

It was an amazing time and I am so glad I went - but you are probably wondering why we have traveled through my life from ages 2 all the way to 20 now.  Here's why.  Father's day happened when I was over there.  My cousin loves her dad and she was all excited to tell him happy father's day and talk to him.  Which got me thinking.  I would always say happy father's day to Steve but in the back of my mind think, well whatever, he's not really my dad.  And that year it hit me.

See, what you don't know is the unconditional love Steve showed to me all the years I resisted it.  He prayed for me.  He called me all the time.  He worried about me - oh man did he worry!  (Part of it is he's a public defender, so he sees the worst of the worst and thinks all people may be like that and want to hurt his family!)  He emailed me all the time when I was in school and Europe.  Sometimes, he drove me nuts when I was in school and he would call so much, just to check in.  He was a dad.  He was my dad.

I wrote him this letter telling him how grateful I was that he became a father to me all those years back.  I told him how I had prayed and prayed God would send my dad back and when that went unanswered I didn't even think to see that the prayer was answered just in a very different way.  He married my mom, and got me as part of the package, but chose to say this is my daughter.  He never had to do that.  I couldn't believe it took me that long to realize that I did have the dad I always wanted - he just had a different name and a different heart than the one in my head.

What makes this story even better is that about a year ago I reached out to my biological dad.  After a few emails back and forth, I stopped hearing from him.  God knew that that was who I was praying for and saved me from years of heartache I could have had hoping for a dad that didn't want to be my dad.  I am so grateful to call Steve Botimer my dad.  And, I am so thankful he chooses to call me his daughter.

P.S. - I just realized I blogged about this before, but this had a whole new perspective with the answered prayer part.  Again, sorry if you feel like you already heard about this! :)