Saturday, April 6, 2013

So Much To Say

I used to write a lot more.  I had so much to share.  I still do, but life gets in the way.  So here I sit.  In the dark... listening to music.  Writing.  Love is such a confusing thing.  I feel like I made a lot of mistakes when I was younger.  I took guy's feelings for granted.  I didn't learn how to forgive.  To let things go.  I would get mad and then end things.  I would not care how the other person felt.  If I didn't get what I wanted, I bailed... and found it somewhere else.  Guys were my closest "friends" junior year in high school.  This was the year I lost my group of friends and had to find new ones.  But one girl in the "group" I was trying to get into didn't like me.  Hearing those words "she can't go b/c so and so will be there and she doesn't like her", broke my heart.  I already struggled with confidence.  (What high schooler doesn't??)  I wasn't good at sports (barely could play tennis).  I couldn't sing.  I couldn't dance.  I felt fat, ugly, and all ALONE.  I began to hate girls and their catty ways... and found solace in guys.  Guys don't care if some girl doesn't like you.  They just care if you are cute... at least in high school.  I have carried this idea around with me for years.  Oh, so and so won't like me b/c I'm not pretty enough, I'm not skinny enough, the list goes on.
In college, I learned to trust girls again.  Slowly, but surely.  But I left half way through my sophomore year for 6 months in Europe.  The friendships I had slowly disappeared, and I came back to find myself all alone again.  I had one real friend to speak of and she took a quarter off!  So, again, I was all alone.  Only, to discover boys again.  While I have two good girl friends from college I still speak to, looking back so much of my time was wasted on boys.  And, not even developing friendships.  Usually, it was using them for someone to hang out with instead of being alone.  Most of these guys liked me, and I knew it, but I didn't care about them the same way.   They were somewhat disposable to me, and I am not proud of this.
Post college, I have searched for the "right guy".  But, how can I expect the right guy to even be remotely into me when my opinion of men is so callous??? I know I am not the same person I was back then, but how different am I really?  I keep thinking if I work out and get back into shape, I will find a great boyfriend.  But I am not trying to get him to notice who I am but what I look like?  As if that's all that matters?  As if there is still nothing deeper to a guy than just having a hot girl on his arm?  My feelings aren't any different about guys as they were ten years ago.  And that needs to change.  I need to see men as actual human beings with a heart and soul all their own.  Not just someone who is lured in and out of a relationship by the next cute thing that walks by.  So here I go.  The work on my body has begun... now I just need to get my mind caught up too.  I hope no one judges me for this...because I'm just being honest.  And my goal in life is always to be better tomorrow than I am here's hoping tomorrow I think a little different. :)