Life is Hard

I watch way too much TV.  That is a given.  I think a lot of it has to do with being an only child growing up with a single mom.  I've always had friends and I grew up playing with kids and having lots of friends.  However, when I had to be alone, TV was the one to keep me company.  (Side note - I always just thought I was part of the Full House clan - it's probably why I still LOVE the Olsen twins to this day.)  Anyways, the point is I am not being critical of how much TV I watch, but that I watch it and really seek to understand these people as if they are my friends.  I think it is why I love reality TV.

I started watching Teen Mom years ago, when it started.  They just did an update special on all the girls.  And, it was hard to watch.  I wanted so badly to see change in these girls.  I wanted them to grow and be stronger than the people I watched when the show went off the air.  But it was the same old shit.  Farrah is still fighting with her mom and dad.  But, then is extremely codependent as she invites them to be a huge part of her life only to fight with them more.  Caitlynn and Tyler are still not married, but are living together and still dating.  Amber has made the most change, but it took a year and a half in prison to do so, and only time will tell if she can stay off drugs and be a good mom to her daughter.

My point is to not judge these girls at all.  What it made me think is, what if my life was on TV?  Would people see a different person from who I was 5 years ago?  Or would I just be an older shell of myself?  Change is great in theory and in the form of a resolution.  But is it really possible?  Yes.  I believe it is, but that does not take away the fact that it is hard.   Very hard.  And, this show made me realize it.  I am just as disappointed in myself for not being able to make changes in my life overnight, but why?  It's not that easy.  Does that mean you stop trying?  Of course not.  I need to keep going and keep working on bettering myself, but still love and forgive myself when it doesn't happen overnight.  I read on instagram a post similar to this:

The changes I want to make in myself are not just physical.  I struggle to see the good in myself in general.  I know I'm funny.  Some days I think I look pretty, but I just want to believe I am an amazing human being and people like me and want to know because of who I am, not because of how I look.  For a lot of years, I was skinny and pretty (blonde/big boobs).  I lived that persona.  Mostly, with guys.  I harbored a lot of self worth in looking good.  And, I think that is where some of my weight gain came from.  I was tired of being thought of as a piece of meat.  Although, I know I could just simply stop showing off my cleavage, and stop dressing to show off my curves, it was more than that.  It was almost a rebellion to this lifestyle I have lived where I am used to being checked out by guys.  I am learning that I need to deal with those issues and that desire to get away from that, is keeping me from truly being happy and wanting to be healthy.  I want to love myself.  I want to be healthy.  I want to be happy.  And I'm working on figuring out how...

Update

First and foremost - thank you to everyone who reached out to me about my last post.  I am so blessed to have such amazing people around me, and I am so grateful for you all!  Anna - your blog inspires me often.  I love that you are real and I thank you for showing me it's okay to speak your truth even when it's not pretty.  Rachel - thanks for your message and I know you can relate.  Having people who understand where you are coming from makes me feel less alone.  And, you are my hope that online dating is not in vain! :) Natalie - thank you for always being there for me - even when you have a lot going on in your world as well!  You are a great friend, and I thank you for being you! :)  Annie - I have never felt so lucky to call someone my friend as I do with you!  You say you feel like you are not always kind, but I have never met anyone who is able to be so nice and see the best in everyone around them.  For a girl who decides whether or not I like someone quickly, this is a trait I admire and envy.  Thank you for being my friend through all these years - I am so lucky to have you!  (Sidenote - super excited about Lady A next month!)

I am doing much better, and have done a lot of soul searching this week.  I am reading a new book about Ruth (from the bible - if you don't know her story - check it out, she's pretty amazing).  This book talks about all the suffering that happened in her life and her mother's life, and it fits in with what I am dealing with (actually, it puts things in perspective as well - this women was barren and then her husband died, leaving her basically alone in a patriarchal society - so far that's not my life! :)  I also learned how important it is to share.  When I spoke to a couple coworkers and they said they understood it was a weight lifted off my shoulders.  Then messages poured in again saying - you aren't alone!  Sometimes, that's all it takes to remember - wait I'm not alone!  I also started to think of ways I can get out of the house, make some new friends, and in general just keep myself around people instead of bottled up inside!

The best part is that I talked to my mom about this.  I try to hide a lot of the "bad stuff" from my mom.  I don't know why I do that, but I think it is from habit.  I didn't do that this time and I am glad I got to talk to her.  I am so grateful for my mother.  I did not appreciate her as I should have during my teenage years, but I am so glad we are close now.  Plus, she's a blast - so chatting with her almost always makes things better! :)
All this to say - thank you!  My family, my friend's, fellow bloggers, you all rock and I am so thankful for you!

Let's Get Real

I had a tough weekend.  I spent way too much time alone, and it lead me into a depression.  Was that the only thing that caused it?  Of course not.  I didn't feel good, we set some crazy goals at work that overwhelmed me and thing upon thing buried me until I was deep in the hole of depression.  I thought about ending it all.  But I can't do that to myself or those around me.  Depression is a deep, dark emotion that truly scares me.  When it grabs hold of me, I can't do anything except let it take me over and then I am with it in this deep, dark cave.

I used to hide all this.  I would just go to my room and cry, maybe even up my dosage on my meds.  But, now I try to face it.  I didn't call my mom all day, but she finally called me at 9:30 and I told her all about it.  Some of the things I'm facing are real, and I could change, but some are circumstantial and are not things I am in control of.  Work is a big thing for me.  I hate admitting this, but I don't like working.  I don't dislike my job (most days), but I hate getting up every day and going to work.  I hate the schedule, the fact that I "have" to do it b/c I have to pay bills and if I don't do it no one will.  It makes me feel very trapped and that is what I hate the most.

I went to bed after talking to my mom, and woke up today and chatted with some girls at work.  I thought for sure they would look at me like I'm crazy, but they could each relate to one thing that I was saying and the fact that I had all these issues all at once - they could tell why I was struggling.  It felt good to know I wasn't alone.

I realized how important it is to talk about my issues.  When I bottle it all up is when there is a problem.  But, when I share, suddenly, a world opens up around me of understanding people who are not against me, but are trying their best to make it through as well! :)  It also made me realize I'm not the only one struggling.  We all are sometimes, and so I need to be kind and loving to those around me b/c I never know what is going on in their life!!  So, thanks for listening and being on this journey with me.  I know I will have to fight this depression thing again, but as long as I stay open and honest, I know I will make it through!