This little beast has reared it's ugly head again. I was doing fine. Finishing up school, looking forward to having time to hang out with friends, work out, not have to move, etc. And then this morning hit. I couldn't get out of bed. I went to bed at 9 last night, slept fine, so I should have been ready to go no problem. But I couldn't. I know my problems are not as bad as anyone else. I have perspective, but when you hurt, you hurt.
I'm not gonna lie. I want to get married. I want to have kids and a family. I really thought I had met the guy I was going to get to do this all with. And giving up that reality has been the hardest thing I have had to do. I know it's over, but I still want to get married. I want to fall in love. I have all the other things I wanted to do. I finished school. I lived the single life. Now, I'm ready. I just want the guy who wants to have all this too, and most importantly wants to have this with me.
This is one of the hardest things I've had to write. Admitting this is hard. But, by being honest I can process this. I think it bothers me b/c I don't even know where to meet anyone. I don't really go out anymore b/c I'm so over the party scene. I want to marry someone with similar beliefs as myself. I am terrified of online dating... just creeps me out (nothing against it for others, it's just a personal thing... I've looked into it and it makes me creeped out every time!). So, what do I do? I don't want to sound desperate or act desperate. I'm not. I just want to be in love. I don't think that's too much to ask. I don't know what to do to make that happen. My last relationship was perfect b/c I wasn't looking and it just fell into my lap. Can I be so lucky to have that happen again? This time hopefully with the right guy?
I just want to be able to wake up everyday and not think the bed and sleep is better than real life. I am totally sounding like one of those "depression hurts" commercials... it sucks!
lyla is eight
3 weeks ago