Tuesday, June 19, 2012


This little beast has reared it's ugly head again.  I was doing fine.  Finishing up school, looking forward to having time to hang out with friends, work out, not have to move, etc.  And then this morning hit.  I couldn't get out of bed.  I went to bed at 9 last night, slept fine, so I should have been ready to go no problem.  But I couldn't.  I know my problems are not as bad as anyone else.  I have perspective, but when you hurt, you hurt.

I'm not gonna lie.  I want to get married.  I want to have kids and a family.  I really thought I had met the guy I was going to get to do this all with.  And giving up that reality has been the hardest thing I have had to do.  I know it's over, but I still want to get married.  I want to fall in love.  I have all the other things I wanted to do.  I finished school.  I lived the single life.  Now, I'm ready.  I just want the guy who wants to have all this too, and most importantly wants to have this with me.

This is one of the hardest things I've had to write.  Admitting this is hard.  But, by being honest I can process this.  I think it bothers me b/c I don't even know where to meet anyone.  I don't really go out anymore b/c I'm so over the party scene.  I want to marry someone with similar beliefs as myself.  I am terrified of online dating... just creeps me out (nothing against it for others, it's just a personal thing... I've looked into it and it makes me creeped out every time!).  So, what do I do?  I don't want to sound desperate or act desperate.  I'm not.  I just want to be in love.  I don't think that's too much to ask. I don't know what to do to make that happen.  My last relationship was perfect b/c I wasn't looking and it just fell into my lap.  Can I be so lucky to have that happen again?  This time hopefully with the right guy?

I just want to be able to wake up everyday and not think the bed and sleep is better than real life.  I am totally sounding like one of those "depression hurts" commercials... it sucks!

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Change of Plans

So, I hate writing about this because the whole thing breaks my heart, but I need to get it out.  My boyfriend and I broke up.  There are so many factors involved, some too personal to mention here, some just same as everything else... we weren't ready.  That's the struggle with long distance.  One of you has to move and when it starts to happen are you ready?  To give up everything?  To change it all?  We weren't... so here I am...
I had it all planned out.  Move to Boise at the end of June and move in with him.  Now I don't know what to do.  Do I stay here?  Do I move anyways and move in with my parents temporarily and pay off some debt?  My school loans are going to come due soon and I have had a little too much fun with some plastic so that thought is appealing.  But, when it comes down to it, do I want to move to Boise?
I have some great friends there and know I would make more.  I have some great friends here. I like the weather in Boise.  I like the summers in Seattle.  I have a job here... I can probably get a job in Boise.  I am not paying off any debt here, just making minimum payments.  I could pay off debt there.  I live alone and love it... I'd live with the rents again temporarily... could I handle it?  Do I want to rent a room in my childhood home?  That feels like such a step backward and it's not just a pride issue, that may really start to depress me.  I have a good Dr. in Boise for my thyroid issues... I could probably find one here.  This is my life.  I go back and forth everyday.  Not to mention I lost my best friend who I used to talk to this all about.  (I hate that about a break up.)  I thought I had it all figured out... now I'm more confused than ever.  So, help!  Any feedback would be great.  I'm so torn, which really helps me realize I was moving just for a guy.  Which is fine, except that the what ifs were killing me.  And, had this happened when I was already there, I would be really upset.  But I digress... should I stay or should I go?????