Yes... I am throwing a tantrum. I have to go to a therapy session next weekend with my mom and counselor. As I said before I don't wanna go!!! So much crappy stuff happened during the years 11-15 I just don't want to talk about it! I mean I know it will be good growth and blah blah blah. It will probably even explain part of WHY I have such issues with men, but I don't want to do it! Can't I just bottle it up and shove it back down like I have been? I don't want to hurt my mom's feelings... I don't want to cry in front of her or tell her how much some of it hurt me. I just think it sounds torturous! I am so anxious about this, I have been having heart palpitations all day! And, to any of you out there who struggle with anxiety, I am sorry! I will take a week of depression over this out of control feeling like you want to crawl out of your skin. As you can see I am freaking out and the appointment is not even till Saturday! But, luckily, I have a session tomorrow alone with the counselor so hopefully she can help me find my way back to a sense of normalcy. Well, I am going to take some sleeping pills and go to bed... and hopefully sleep my troubles away... And, before anyone starts to call me and then 911, don't worry, it's not real sleeping pills, just Benadryl...and I only take a couple.
Not the movie... that was my result for my week four weigh in! I know I was supposed to lose 9, but I knew that was a little unrealistic. 7 lbs in the last two weeks, for a total of 11 lbs in four weeks! I am happy! All this hard work is paying off despite all that nature has against me... i.e. my thyroid disorder, and all the other meds I have to be on! But it's okay because there is still progress! I am really happy and loving learning how to cook... after all it had to happen some time! I also love learning how to let myself cheat a little here and there. For example, I eat half the serving size of the dressing I really love, and then still put it on the side and dip my fork in so I can eat just as little bit as possible, and still have the flavor. I even let myself have a banana tonight as a "treat". I am not supposed to eat fruit at night because of the sugar, but I deserved it after these last four weeks! Now, I just gotta get through the next two and the next two, and on and on and hopefully keep up at the pace I am at. And once it's over, it's just maintenance... which will hopefully be at least a little bit easier.
Saturday night we had a girl's night out to celebrate one of my best friend's 25th birthday! It was a great night, even though I left early (well midnight). I am not much of a drinker anymore, plus I have a weigh in on Tuesday, so I cannot afford the extra calories. Marissa set it up for us to go to a comedy club. Clint Jackson was the headliner http://www.clintonjackson.com/ and he was so funny. He is the front construction worker in the new Subway $5 footlong commercials. I highly recommend listening to some of his stuff... he cracked me up the whole time.
After that we went to a club in Belltown. Like I said, since I'm not drinking I was kind of a lame-oh. Not that I have to drink to have or be fun, but I realize how late it is and I just want to go home and sleep after awhile!
This is me today after my run. Shin splints are out of control... I was practically limping home! The good news is I still finished my two miles after an hour of weight training at the gym with my trainer. Sorry all my posts are about working out. One of my best friends just had a birthday so I will make that my next post...Now I have to go drink my protein shake and clean my apartment... Picture me hobbling...
We had our weigh in's today and I've lost 4.2 pounds. Woohoo! They set goals for us to tell us were we should be to reach our goals. I am 2 pounds off, so not too bad. I did not know about this, and if I had I probably would not have had 4 rolls at Texas Roadhouse this weekend...then again, I probably still would have. :) So, I have to lose 9 pounds in the next two weeks. It seems a little crazy, but considering I pretty much took this whole weekend off and still managed 4 pounds, I might just be able to do it. My trainer is having a boot camp this weekend and I am sure that will help. The 50 pound goal is not my contest goal. The contest goal is only 35, which I think is much more attainable. The last 15 pounds will be my goal post contest, and my motivation is spending time with my two favorite cousins in LA this summer. I cannot wait! We always have so much fun together and I have literally avoided going down there for fear of showing off my fat ass! But not anymore! California here I come... in six months. :)
Do you ever feel like everyone else is living the life you always dreamed of, and you are just stuck on the sidelines watching? That is how I feel today. I try really hard not to be envious of anyone else's life because when you get to know them, they have their struggles just like the rest of us. But, another one of my close friends just announced she is having a baby. I had a couple friends have kids right out of high school and because of it we sort of lost touch. It is so hard to be on the same page when you are partying it up in college and they are at home changing diapers. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against having a baby right after high school, and I am so happy for all my friends who did, it's just that I was not there yet, so I could not relate to even wanting a child.
Well, I can relate now. But since I am not about to be getting knocked up by some random guy, my chances of having a baby right now are non exsistant. And, I don't even necessarily want the baby. I just want the whole picture: a husband, a dog (or cat, or both) and a baby on the way.
I just read this great book "Swapping Lives" and it is about a single 35 year old successful business woman who switches places (literally) with a mother of two, who is a stay at home mom. While it was a great story and I learned the grass is not always greener, it still makes me sad to not have the prospect of having the husband and the child. Don't get me wrong. I love my life. I love my family, my friends, my cat, my job, my apartment, and even the new changes I am making. It is just hard sometimes to see so many people at the place I had hoped to be at right now.
I honestly believe that God does have a plan for my life, and he will bring that perfect man to me at the perfect time. I don't want to have a boyfriend right now because I am working so hard to better myself. I literraly can't afford to not be selfish, so it is a good thing I don't have one. But, it is hard to be single in what feels like a "couples world". Although, when I think about all that I have, I have to remember the grass is pretty damn green on my side too. It's just not fertilized with spit up. :)