Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Depression

This little beast has reared it's ugly head again.  I was doing fine.  Finishing up school, looking forward to having time to hang out with friends, work out, not have to move, etc.  And then this morning hit.  I couldn't get out of bed.  I went to bed at 9 last night, slept fine, so I should have been ready to go no problem.  But I couldn't.  I know my problems are not as bad as anyone else.  I have perspective, but when you hurt, you hurt.

I'm not gonna lie.  I want to get married.  I want to have kids and a family.  I really thought I had met the guy I was going to get to do this all with.  And giving up that reality has been the hardest thing I have had to do.  I know it's over, but I still want to get married.  I want to fall in love.  I have all the other things I wanted to do.  I finished school.  I lived the single life.  Now, I'm ready.  I just want the guy who wants to have all this too, and most importantly wants to have this with me.

This is one of the hardest things I've had to write.  Admitting this is hard.  But, by being honest I can process this.  I think it bothers me b/c I don't even know where to meet anyone.  I don't really go out anymore b/c I'm so over the party scene.  I want to marry someone with similar beliefs as myself.  I am terrified of online dating... just creeps me out (nothing against it for others, it's just a personal thing... I've looked into it and it makes me creeped out every time!).  So, what do I do?  I don't want to sound desperate or act desperate.  I'm not.  I just want to be in love.  I don't think that's too much to ask. I don't know what to do to make that happen.  My last relationship was perfect b/c I wasn't looking and it just fell into my lap.  Can I be so lucky to have that happen again?  This time hopefully with the right guy?

I just want to be able to wake up everyday and not think the bed and sleep is better than real life.  I am totally sounding like one of those "depression hurts" commercials... it sucks!

2 comments:

Satterlees said...

Oh friend I hear you and I'm so so sorry. If you need a good vent let me know I LOVE to listen and I relate so much. Ps you have access to my blog it's open to anyone with a blig

Kristen said...

I was just thinking about you today and wondering how you were handling everything. I'm so sorry! Break ups are the absolute worst! (with interviewing for a job a close second). I think every relationship teaches us things and shapes us into the person we need to be for the one we are supposed to be with! I really believe the right guy will come along for you, I mean hello you are obviously a catch!!! Don't feel bad or feel like you have to apologize for being depressed. Sometimes life sucks and just because someone might have different obstacles in their life doesn't make what you are facing suck any less. No one should expect you to just bounce back after having your heart broken, but things will get better! Who knows, maybe the guy you are meant to be with is going through the same thing right now and is wondering where his mrs. right is! You two will find each other. :) I'll cross my fingers for you that will be soon!