So I have been thinking A LOT lately about goals and what I want to do with my life. Maybe this happens to others when they turn 30, I don't know. I like my job for right now. The only thing that is tough are the hours. I work a lot! And I don't love that. I think I want to be an esthetician (sp?). I love skin and skin care. However, this goal cannot be accomplished until a lot of things happen.
First off - my debt. I hate that I have it, but it's true. This is a huge reason I took this job. I should be able to pay off my debt soon. I will have school debt till I die, but that is okay. Haha - not really, but it feels that way! Credit cards were my best friend in college. Eww. I hate that it was true. And worse post college when my parents stopped supporting me and I found out what the real world really was! I was never taught good spending habits or the way to save money. My savings account would give most people a heart attack as I am proud when there is an extra $200-300 in there. Eek! This is embarrassing to admit but admission is the first steps to recovery! :) The main reason I have this job is to reach this goal. Your prayers would be appreciated. :) (I hope people can read my sarcasm in all this b/c I like to laugh about these things as it helps me deal!)
Step two - why I want to be an esthetician. Flexible hours and minimal school. This will be the perfect job for me when I have kids and a family. Oh but wait - step two is getting the kids and the family. Which brings me to the whole point of this post - control freak. I cannot control when / if I will get married or when / if I will have children. (Well I can sort of control the having kids part, but I want to have a family, not just the kid part. Single moms are great - I know - I was raised by one, but I really want to be married as well.) All that to say that I have realized that is the part that bothers me the most! I cannot control when I will meet someone. I have to let it happen all on it's own. I don't know why it has taken me this long to realize that is my issue with the whole thing. And, when I do meet someone, I can't control if he will feel the same way about me. I just have to relax and get to know him as a friend and then see where it goes.
I am not bothered that I don't have a boyfriend / husband, but it bugs me I can't just wake up tomorrow and say poof here he is! I never realized what a control freak I am before! And what an unattractive quality. I just need to relax (easier said than done - ha!), and know that it will happen if it should, but if it doesn't it's not my fault. This really is not something I can control unless I want to wind up on the news! (And I don't - well unless it's for something super amazing no one else has ever done that people are praising me for.)
I am a little embarrassed it took me this long to realize this is something I need to let go of. And not the idea and the hope, but this feeling that somehow I can make this happen. I really can't. As cheesy as it is I believe in fate, and two people being meant to be together and all that. Yes, you work on it - but it starts by these two people both saying okay this is someone I genuinely love and life would be far better with her /him than without him. So, those are my thoughts for today. Quite a revelation for me, but for others you probably figured this out years ago... which is why you are married. :) Haha
Camping with the Hebdons
4 days ago