Control Freak

So I have been thinking A LOT lately about goals and what I want to do with my life.  Maybe this happens to others when they turn 30, I don't know.  I like my job for right now.  The only thing that is tough are the hours.  I work a lot!  And I don't love that.  I think I want to be an esthetician (sp?).  I love skin and skin care.  However, this goal cannot be accomplished until a lot of things happen.

First off - my debt.  I hate that I have it, but it's true.  This is a huge reason I took this job.  I should be able to pay off my debt soon.  I will have school debt till I die, but that is okay.  Haha - not really, but it feels that way!  Credit cards were my best friend in college.  Eww.  I hate that it was true.  And worse post college when my parents stopped supporting me and I found out what the real world really was!  I was never taught good spending habits or the way to save money.  My savings account would give most people a heart attack as I am proud when there is an extra $200-300 in there.  Eek!  This is embarrassing to admit but admission is the first steps to recovery! :)  The main reason I have this job is to reach this goal.  Your prayers would be appreciated. :)  (I hope people can read my sarcasm in all this b/c I like to laugh about these things as it helps me deal!)

Step two - why I want to be an esthetician.  Flexible hours and minimal school.  This will be the perfect job for me when I have kids and a family.  Oh but wait - step two is getting the kids and the family.  Which brings me to the whole point of this post - control freak.  I cannot control when / if I will get married or when / if I will have children.  (Well I can sort of control the having kids part, but I want to have a family, not just the kid part.  Single moms are great - I know - I was raised by one, but I really want to be married as well.)  All that to say that I have realized that is the part that bothers me the most!  I cannot control when I will meet someone.  I have to let it happen all on it's own.  I don't know why it has taken me this long to realize that is my issue with the whole thing.  And, when I do meet someone, I can't control if he will feel the same way about me.  I just have to relax and get to know him as a friend and then see where it goes.

I am not bothered that I don't have a boyfriend / husband, but it bugs me I can't just wake up tomorrow and say poof here he is!  I never realized what a control freak I am before!  And what an unattractive quality.  I just need to relax (easier said than done - ha!), and know that it will happen if it should, but if it doesn't it's not my fault.  This really is not something I can control unless I want to wind up on the news!  (And I don't - well unless it's for something super amazing no one else has ever done that people are praising me for.)

I am a little embarrassed it took me this long to realize this is something I need to let go of.  And not the idea and the hope, but this feeling that somehow I can make this happen.  I really can't.  As cheesy as it is I believe in fate, and two people being meant to be together and all that.  Yes, you work on it - but it starts by these two people both saying okay this is someone I genuinely love and life would be far better with her /him than without him.  So, those are my thoughts for today.  Quite a revelation for me, but for others you probably figured this out years ago... which is why you are married. :)  Haha