Answered Prayer

So I was talking to one of my most favorite people in the world the other day.  She was my best friend in high school and I am so thankful we are still good friends to this day.  She asked me if I had a time where I knew God had answered my prayer and I said, yes, which got me thinking of how amazing God has been in my life.  I am not super Jesus-y on this blog, but my faith is very important to me and I think this is a cool story.  :)  If you don't want to indulge with me, feel free to stop reading now.

For those who don't know, I grew up in the suburbs of Milwaukee, WI with my mom.  My dad left when I was 2 years old.  The circumstances behind him leaving were messy and maybe for the best at the time, but I never stopped yearning for a dad.  I kept a journal even from the young age of six.  I love looking back at my cute writing and my sweet little innocent problems as well as my little crushes and just the sweet way I saw life.  I also had a very real eye that life could be tough and painful since I knew the struggles of growing up with out a dad.  I used to pray all the time that God would bring my dad back.  I remember one journal entry where he was supposed to visit one summer and I had written, well journal, as you can see by the date, summer's over and he never came!  (Apparently, my journal was also my friend or sibling since I was an only child!) :)  I tried really hard not to be bothered by it and to say it's ok because I have a father in Heaven who loved me (words I know I had heard at church, because what kid talks like that?)

Anyways, I did see my dad when I was 11 for about 20 minutes in a park in Wisconsin.  I guess he did tell my mom I could come visit him in Missouri, but that scared her so she said no.  Then we moved all the way to Idaho.  My mom met this (in my opinion random) guy at a conference in Colorado and fast forward through a 7 month long distance relationship and boom they got hitched and we landed in Meridian, Idaho half way through 7th grade.  THE WORST.  Why? Half way through any year is tough, but middle school was especially hard.  Some of the curriculum was flip flopped so some stuff I had already done and some I missed some of the basics... all in all just tough.

But what was more of an adjustment was living with a man.  I remember when we first got there and I was starving (I was 13 - when are teenagers not hungry?) and all he had was ketchup and pickles or some other random bachelor food. :)  And, of course it was super late and nothing was open!  I cried that night because I was so confused why "this" was my new life.  Gone were the days of walking from my room to the bathroom naked because when it's just girls, who cares?   Additionally, I never really learned how to respect a male.  As horrible as that is to admit, it was not taught.  "Men" were synonymous with the dad who left and couldn't be trusted - let alone respected.  This lead to a lot of fights and learning to control my tongue and (years later in my late 20's counseling to realize why I lacked this natural respect towards the male species.)

As much as I learned to live with this new man, and he continued to love me, I did not really invest in him as much as I could have.  We did finally find a common ground in basketball.  I kept stats in high school with one of my good friends, and my dad was one of the JV coaches.  Suddenly, he knew all of my friends and they all thought he was cool! (Go figure!)  Through that we were able to talk about guys a little more and finally connect and I remember realizing, wow, I've never had a guys perspective like this before.  But even as our relationship started to develop, I still was so excited to leave Idaho and start life on my own!

So, I ran out of Idaho as fast as I could come graduation day.  I was off to Seattle, and was so thankful to be on my own.  My first year of college was tough.  I fell in love and when that relationship ended I was so devastated.  I watched my roommate have this amazing relationship with her mom and I was so envious as my mom and I fought a lot still!  By the end of freshman year I wanted to run away again.  Then came Capernwray.

My cousin's parents wanted her to get out of Colorado (secretly I think they wanted her away from her boyfriend at the time) after she graduated high school.  They found this Bible school abroad that a lot of students go to before they start college the following year.  She said she'd do it if she didn't have to go alone.  They asked if I wanted to go, and I of course said yes, since I was still in my "I need to escape mode."  My mom had decided I wasn't much of a Christian (one of the reasons we were fighting so much - who was she to know me and what I thought?) and kept saying you know it's Bible school.  And I said yes, but Bible school in Greece and England.... I'll take it! :)

It was an amazing time and I am so glad I went - but you are probably wondering why we have traveled through my life from ages 2 all the way to 20 now.  Here's why.  Father's day happened when I was over there.  My cousin loves her dad and she was all excited to tell him happy father's day and talk to him.  Which got me thinking.  I would always say happy father's day to Steve but in the back of my mind think, well whatever, he's not really my dad.  And that year it hit me.

See, what you don't know is the unconditional love Steve showed to me all the years I resisted it.  He prayed for me.  He called me all the time.  He worried about me - oh man did he worry!  (Part of it is he's a public defender, so he sees the worst of the worst and thinks all people may be like that and want to hurt his family!)  He emailed me all the time when I was in school and Europe.  Sometimes, he drove me nuts when I was in school and he would call so much, just to check in.  He was a dad.  He was my dad.

I wrote him this letter telling him how grateful I was that he became a father to me all those years back.  I told him how I had prayed and prayed God would send my dad back and when that went unanswered I didn't even think to see that the prayer was answered just in a very different way.  He married my mom, and got me as part of the package, but chose to say this is my daughter.  He never had to do that.  I couldn't believe it took me that long to realize that I did have the dad I always wanted - he just had a different name and a different heart than the one in my head.

What makes this story even better is that about a year ago I reached out to my biological dad.  After a few emails back and forth, I stopped hearing from him.  God knew that that was who I was praying for and saved me from years of heartache I could have had hoping for a dad that didn't want to be my dad.  I am so grateful to call Steve Botimer my dad.  And, I am so thankful he chooses to call me his daughter.

P.S. - I just realized I blogged about this before, but this had a whole new perspective with the answered prayer part.  Again, sorry if you feel like you already heard about this! :)

Another Day... another date

I should start blogging about my dating life as it is quite entertaining.  I think I may be too picky, but honestly, I know what I am looking for.  Decent looking, wants a family, likes animals (I want a dog!), makes a decent living (don't need to be rich, but don't want you working at Mickey D's), and likes me.  But, really, I am a blast so anyone would be crazy not to like me.  (I am also really sarcastic!) :)

Anyways, I am pretty sure I always choose Mexican restaurants b/c if the date sucks, I at least get a good meal.  Tonight was no different.  The food was great.  Chipotle salmon tacos!  Yum.  Now, if I am talking about the food this much, you know the date wasn't so hot. :)  He was very nice.  But, he talked a lot about his love of guns (literally 30 minutes about all the different kinds of guns) and how crazy his ex wife was.  I mean, yes, I asked if he shared custody of his kid, but still.  Also, his parents have custody of his kid and he sees him on the weekends.  Am I crazy?  Or is that strange?  Let me know if I am being too picky.

I was telling someone recently that I was all excited to go out with a new friend of mine b/c her boyfriend was bringing some friends.  Come to find out they are all 24 and their idea of a night out STARTS with 5 shots!  Wow - I haven't drank like that since I was, well, probably 24!  :)  And, that was probably the last year I did it!  Maybe 25, but it's been a long time since I got really drunk!  I drink my glass or two of wine and am happy!  No need for more and when I work out I try not to drink b/c I don't need the calories.  All this to say, what am I doing wrong?  Anything?  Do I just keep dating in hopes for Mr. Right?  Am I being too picky?  I don't even know if anyone reads this, but feel free to comment!  I am really not trying to complain at all.  My standards may be too high!  I am open to hearing that!  :)  It is true that I hate dating.  I just want to get to that comfortable, hang out in your sweats stage and then every once and a while get dolled up and go out on real "dates" together.  I hate the whole nervous, What should we talk about?  Is he going to kiss me?  I hope not, I don't want him to! craziness.  Anyways, I'm off to bed.  Just got a text - he wants to hang out again.  We'll see... In other news, I have another date on Friday, so maybe I will just blog about my dating life!  :)  At least if it sucks, maybe it will be entertaining to others?? :)

What I look like on the outside :)

How I feel about dating on the inside :)  

Color Run

My amazing fitness group "Buff Beauties" decided to do the color run in Boise this year.  So fun!  I have never done a "real" run where you get a number and everything!  This was a great way to start out.  I have to admit though, I had slacked a little before I went on working out.  But, worse than that was the smoke from the fires nearby.  I am pretty sure I have asthma because whenever I run I have to pay close attention to my breathing and take deep breaths or I can't keep going.  Well my deep breaths weren't working in the smoke and I could hardly run a mile!  Embarrassing!  This happened to me with the smog in LA a few years ago and I was in really good shape back then!  I didn't want to blame the smoke too much and seem like a whiner, though.  Luckily, the ladies were okay to walk a bit.  (Thank you!)  Here are some pics.  It was a blast and next time I am going to train better so I can run the whole thing.  PS - if it reminds anyone of gay pride parade - well you are not alone!  Definitely felt like we were part of a pride parade with all the colors and crazy outfits!  (Not trying to be rude - just saying if you have ever seen a pride parade it looked a lot like this!)

 Here we all are!  Patty, Megan, Me, Brittany, and Kami

Megan, Kami, and Patty

Finished!!  And all full of color!

Kami and Brittany - during the finale when we throw our packets and dance around.

Me - all full of color!

Here is the collage I made during my flight home - there was a lot of turbulence so I had to entertain myself so I could calm down (might have thought the plane was going down a few times!)

P.S. We are starting up with P90X again in September and I cannot wait.  These women are so encouraging and it is such a great group to be a part of!  If you want to join in let me know! 

Vacation In my Hometown :)

I chose a great week to return home to Boise.  It's about 105-110 degrees each day here.  But I love it!  I love the sun, and the heat.  I don't really know why I live in rainy Seattle!  Oh wait - my job... and some good friends.  Ahh, I go back and forth all the time bc I have good friends here too!  Anyways, we celebrated my dad's birthday with a BBQ with his friends.  I only got one pic of the table but I have to point out the turkey burger without cheese I ate on a lettuce wrap!  It was soo good and I didn't feel like I was deprived at all.  Love eating healthy!!! :)  Especially when it's hot!  I feel way less disgusting.  

Today we went stand up paddle boarding.  My mom is so much fun and is down for anything.  Here we are all ready to go.  Remember when I went paddle boarding a couple summers ago?  I fell off so many times and it just wasn't that much fun.  This was so much better!!  Neither of us fell off and the pond was so much calmer than lake Washington!  I would highly recommend it!  $20 bucks for the first hour.  :)  It's on the pond behind the clocktower apartments!

Welcome Summer!!!  I will be enjoying you everyday I'm here!!!

Update

It's been awhile since I updated my blog.  I have been busy working and working out!  I did p90x with a great group of women over the past few months.  Now I am starting Turbo Fire with those same ladies (and a few more!).  I can't wait.   This group has been such a blessing to me!  I love these women and I have not even met most of them!  Ahh life in the digital age. :)  They are so supportive and there are very few people I would share my before photos with! 

Not much else is going on for me.  I am really excited for summer!  I love summer!  It's my favorite season and I am soooo excited it is finally here!  I'll update more later :)

So Much To Say

I used to write a lot more.  I had so much to share.  I still do, but life gets in the way.  So here I sit.  In the dark... listening to music.  Writing.  Love is such a confusing thing.  I feel like I made a lot of mistakes when I was younger.  I took guy's feelings for granted.  I didn't learn how to forgive.  To let things go.  I would get mad and then end things.  I would not care how the other person felt.  If I didn't get what I wanted, I bailed... and found it somewhere else.  Guys were my closest "friends" junior year in high school.  This was the year I lost my group of friends and had to find new ones.  But one girl in the "group" I was trying to get into didn't like me.  Hearing those words "she can't go b/c so and so will be there and she doesn't like her", broke my heart.  I already struggled with confidence.  (What high schooler doesn't??)  I wasn't good at sports (barely could play tennis).  I couldn't sing.  I couldn't dance.  I felt fat, ugly, and all ALONE.  I began to hate girls and their catty ways... and found solace in guys.  Guys don't care if some girl doesn't like you.  They just care if you are cute... at least in high school.  I have carried this idea around with me for years.  Oh, so and so won't like me b/c I'm not pretty enough, I'm not skinny enough, the list goes on.
In college, I learned to trust girls again.  Slowly, but surely.  But I left half way through my sophomore year for 6 months in Europe.  The friendships I had slowly disappeared, and I came back to find myself all alone again.  I had one real friend to speak of and she took a quarter off!  So, again, I was all alone.  Only, to discover boys again.  While I have two good girl friends from college I still speak to, looking back so much of my time was wasted on boys.  And, not even developing friendships.  Usually, it was using them for someone to hang out with instead of being alone.  Most of these guys liked me, and I knew it, but I didn't care about them the same way.   They were somewhat disposable to me, and I am not proud of this.
Post college, I have searched for the "right guy".  But, how can I expect the right guy to even be remotely into me when my opinion of men is so callous??? I know I am not the same person I was back then, but how different am I really?  I keep thinking if I work out and get back into shape, I will find a great boyfriend.  But I am not trying to get him to notice who I am but what I look like?  As if that's all that matters?  As if there is still nothing deeper to a guy than just having a hot girl on his arm?  My feelings aren't any different about guys as they were ten years ago.  And that needs to change.  I need to see men as actual human beings with a heart and soul all their own.  Not just someone who is lured in and out of a relationship by the next cute thing that walks by.  So here I go.  The work on my body has begun... now I just need to get my mind caught up too.  I hope no one judges me for this...because I'm just being honest.  And my goal in life is always to be better tomorrow than I am today...so here's hoping tomorrow I think a little different. :)

P90X

Just a quick post so that everyone who reads this can keep me in check!  I am doing P90X again.  This time with a great group of women who are from all over connected by the one thing we all love to hate: Facebook. I really don't hate Facebook but there are definitely things about it I do not like.  Anyways... the point is let's do it!  We start Friday... anyone who wants to join let me know!!! :)  And yay to all the fellow bloggers who are doing this too!  We are all going to be so cute come summer! :)