Sunday, February 23, 2014

Life is Hard

I watch way too much TV.  That is a given.  I think a lot of it has to do with being an only child growing up with a single mom.  I've always had friends and I grew up playing with kids and having lots of friends.  However, when I had to be alone, TV was the one to keep me company.  (Side note - I always just thought I was part of the Full House clan - it's probably why I still LOVE the Olsen twins to this day.)  Anyways, the point is I am not being critical of how much TV I watch, but that I watch it and really seek to understand these people as if they are my friends.  I think it is why I love reality TV.

I started watching Teen Mom years ago, when it started.  They just did an update special on all the girls.  And, it was hard to watch.  I wanted so badly to see change in these girls.  I wanted them to grow and be stronger than the people I watched when the show went off the air.  But it was the same old shit.  Farrah is still fighting with her mom and dad.  But, then is extremely codependent as she invites them to be a huge part of her life only to fight with them more.  Caitlynn and Tyler are still not married, but are living together and still dating.  Amber has made the most change, but it took a year and a half in prison to do so, and only time will tell if she can stay off drugs and be a good mom to her daughter.

My point is to not judge these girls at all.  What it made me think is, what if my life was on TV?  Would people see a different person from who I was 5 years ago?  Or would I just be an older shell of myself?  Change is great in theory and in the form of a resolution.  But is it really possible?  Yes.  I believe it is, but that does not take away the fact that it is hard.   Very hard.  And, this show made me realize it.  I am just as disappointed in myself for not being able to make changes in my life overnight, but why?  It's not that easy.  Does that mean you stop trying?  Of course not.  I need to keep going and keep working on bettering myself, but still love and forgive myself when it doesn't happen overnight.  I read on instagram a post similar to this:

The changes I want to make in myself are not just physical.  I struggle to see the good in myself in general.  I know I'm funny.  Some days I think I look pretty, but I just want to believe I am an amazing human being and people like me and want to know because of who I am, not because of how I look.  For a lot of years, I was skinny and pretty (blonde/big boobs).  I lived that persona.  Mostly, with guys.  I harbored a lot of self worth in looking good.  And, I think that is where some of my weight gain came from.  I was tired of being thought of as a piece of meat.  Although, I know I could just simply stop showing off my cleavage, and stop dressing to show off my curves, it was more than that.  It was almost a rebellion to this lifestyle I have lived where I am used to being checked out by guys.  I am learning that I need to deal with those issues and that desire to get away from that, is keeping me from truly being happy and wanting to be healthy.  I want to love myself.  I want to be healthy.  I want to be happy.  And I'm working on figuring out how...

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