Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Let's Get Real

I had a tough weekend.  I spent way too much time alone, and it lead me into a depression.  Was that the only thing that caused it?  Of course not.  I didn't feel good, we set some crazy goals at work that overwhelmed me and thing upon thing buried me until I was deep in the hole of depression.  I thought about ending it all.  But I can't do that to myself or those around me.  Depression is a deep, dark emotion that truly scares me.  When it grabs hold of me, I can't do anything except let it take me over and then I am with it in this deep, dark cave.

I used to hide all this.  I would just go to my room and cry, maybe even up my dosage on my meds.  But, now I try to face it.  I didn't call my mom all day, but she finally called me at 9:30 and I told her all about it.  Some of the things I'm facing are real, and I could change, but some are circumstantial and are not things I am in control of.  Work is a big thing for me.  I hate admitting this, but I don't like working.  I don't dislike my job (most days), but I hate getting up every day and going to work.  I hate the schedule, the fact that I "have" to do it b/c I have to pay bills and if I don't do it no one will.  It makes me feel very trapped and that is what I hate the most.

I went to bed after talking to my mom, and woke up today and chatted with some girls at work.  I thought for sure they would look at me like I'm crazy, but they could each relate to one thing that I was saying and the fact that I had all these issues all at once - they could tell why I was struggling.  It felt good to know I wasn't alone.

I realized how important it is to talk about my issues.  When I bottle it all up is when there is a problem.  But, when I share, suddenly, a world opens up around me of understanding people who are not against me, but are trying their best to make it through as well! :)  It also made me realize I'm not the only one struggling.  We all are sometimes, and so I need to be kind and loving to those around me b/c I never know what is going on in their life!!  So, thanks for listening and being on this journey with me.  I know I will have to fight this depression thing again, but as long as I stay open and honest, I know I will make it through!


Alex said...

It definitely helps to talk about it. What do you do at work? Would there be other options for you? Anyway, hang in there girl.

Anna Beal said...

Whoops, that was me leaving a comment while signed into my hubby's account ;)

rachel garber said...

I have SAD pretty badly some years but nothing compared to your story. I'm sorry because I've been there, I know what that pit is like. I also know I can't spend too long along and in my head or the pit becomes deeper and harder to leave.

When I was working in AZ I loved my job but wasn't a fan on the administration. They gave me the most anxiety and panic attacks I've ever had in my life. I remember waking up one day and going, "Oh crap, what if I never get married and have to support myself for the rest of my life and THIS IS MY JOB FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?" I knew I could always find somewhere else to work and whatever but in that moment I hated being an adult with bills to pay and responsibilities and the freaking fear that I'd have to wake up everyday and go to this job because I needed to be a productive member of society.

Long post to point out: I completely understand. Don't stay in your head too much, share, it'll be a lot easier, I promise!

Annie Searcy said...

Oh my sweet friend. I am sorry you are struggling with this right now. I want to remind you that you are a wonderful friend and valued so much in this world. You are one of the most genuine and real people I know! You have such a gift of making people laugh and feel comfortable with you! I understand that lonely feeling creeps in sometimes, but please know you have so many people that love and care for you. Especially this old Idaho friend. God has a plan for you and even in our darkest days he is there. Keep your head up girl. Love ya!