Monday, July 14, 2014

I Ate My Feelings Today

Disclaimer: I have been off my depression meds for a week (couldn't afford a refill on the prescription).  I am back on them as of today, but this all may sound a little worse b/c of that fact.

Today was a bad day.  Just one day after "beginning" my weight loss journey I fell back into the same pitfalls that got me to the weight I am today.   And in the interest of putting it all out there here was my day.  Let me set the scene first.

Last week at work we got in trouble for our numbers and had a review.  If you think about it the week that we were getting in trouble for was the week of the 4th of July.  I was out to days b/c I was sick and then we had a day and a half off for the holiday.  I still managed to get 4 client meetings and a couple job orders.  My coworkers were also out a few days due to vacation and illness.  We all got a nice talking to about how much we suck at our jobs.  This is why I struggle with this job.  If you take a vacation you are still expected to be amazing and not let it affect your numbers.  What is the point of a vacation if I have to work the whole time?  That is not a vacation.  I come in today after learning on Friday we have to have a meeting today to talk about our activity.  I am dreading this.  Then our boss doesn't even show up.  Which should be a blessing, but the lecture is still coming.  Apparently, my frustration has shown through as one of my coworkers asks me what is wrong.

Let's rewind a bit more.  I found out last week my grandpa has pneumonia after having heart surgery.  I rarely talk about my grandpa b/c I don't have much of a relationship with him.  I have tried but it's not easy. They still live in Wisconsin so visiting him is a bit of a trek. He likes to ask questions then interrupt you during the answer.  He married a not so nice person and last time we visited we were not well received.  There were a lot of questions of why we were there, and I'm thinking, well it is your birthday so we thought we'd come celebrate but if you don't want us to be here we can go.  At his party he thanked his wife's side of the family for coming but not any of us.  Oh I just flew 2000 miles to be here, but they drove 45 minutes so yay to them for being there for you.  I promised myself I wouldn't go back b/c it really hurt my feelings to try to do something nice and basically be shit on.  My parents and I were going to go to Hawaii this year for Christmas.  Now, my mom is like well we should go to Wisconsin instead to see your grandpa b/c he is not doing well.  Not to sound like a selfish bitch, but excuse me?  Now I have to give up my vacation and spend it in the tundra (Wisconsin) in December with someone who will probably thank everyone but me for being there?  No thanks.  I don't have any desire to get hurt like that again.  Do I want my grandpa to be sick?  Of course not.  But I also want to be from a family where your grandparents love you and enjoy spending time with you...

And my last frustration is many things jumbled into one.  I really hurt my knee when I fell last week and again on Saturday.  It hurts to move it and I woke up with the worst pain in it last night, and was up for an hour trying to fall back asleep!  However, it's summer and I want to enjoy it.  Where are all my friends who love adventure and trying new things?  I would love to spend a weekend in Silverwood and go to the amusement park there.  No one thinks that sounds like fun!  I want to go swimming at one of the lakes nearby - again struggling to find people who think that sounds fun.  I cried the whole way home from work telling my dad about all the things I am upset about.  There are more that I can't quite put out there right now including my weight - which you all know about, but mostly I was just emotional.  I know I sound like such a debbie downer, but a lot of things piled on to me today and I came home and did the worst thing I could.  I ate.

I had a bag of cheetos and a bag of doritos.  Not a full size bag but still - the ones you get at the gas station.  I know I'm an emotional eater and I hate that.  I am writing all this down because I don't want to hide it anymore.  I want people to know so that I can start to heal and make positive choices.  I want to be on a healthy journey but I don't want to let a little setback deter my end goal.  Tomorrow I will be purchasing some healthy food items to start my days off right.  (I had to wait until I got paid!)  I will be posting those tomorrow, so there is only one day of bitching.  I am promising to be 100 % honest on this journey so I needed to get this all out so you (and I) know where I am starting at.

1 comment:

Kami Satterlee said...

Hang in there friend, I think we can all relate in one way or another. :)