I had a tough weekend. I spent way too much time alone, and it lead me into a depression. Was that the only thing that caused it? Of course not. I didn't feel good, we set some crazy goals at work that overwhelmed me and thing upon thing buried me until I was deep in the hole of depression. I thought about ending it all. But I can't do that to myself or those around me. Depression is a deep, dark emotion that truly scares me. When it grabs hold of me, I can't do anything except let it take me over and then I am with it in this deep, dark cave.
I used to hide all this. I would just go to my room and cry, maybe even up my dosage on my meds. But, now I try to face it. I didn't call my mom all day, but she finally called me at 9:30 and I told her all about it. Some of the things I'm facing are real, and I could change, but some are circumstantial and are not things I am in control of. Work is a big thing for me. I hate admitting this, but I don't like working. I don't dislike my job (most days), but I hate getting up every day and going to work. I hate the schedule, the fact that I "have" to do it b/c I have to pay bills and if I don't do it no one will. It makes me feel very trapped and that is what I hate the most.
I went to bed after talking to my mom, and woke up today and chatted with some girls at work. I thought for sure they would look at me like I'm crazy, but they could each relate to one thing that I was saying and the fact that I had all these issues all at once - they could tell why I was struggling. It felt good to know I wasn't alone.
I realized how important it is to talk about my issues. When I bottle it all up is when there is a problem. But, when I share, suddenly, a world opens up around me of understanding people who are not against me, but are trying their best to make it through as well! :) It also made me realize I'm not the only one struggling. We all are sometimes, and so I need to be kind and loving to those around me b/c I never know what is going on in their life!! So, thanks for listening and being on this journey with me. I know I will have to fight this depression thing again, but as long as I stay open and honest, I know I will make it through!
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4 comments:
It definitely helps to talk about it. What do you do at work? Would there be other options for you? Anyway, hang in there girl.
Whoops, that was me leaving a comment while signed into my hubby's account ;)
I have SAD pretty badly some years but nothing compared to your story. I'm sorry because I've been there, I know what that pit is like. I also know I can't spend too long along and in my head or the pit becomes deeper and harder to leave.
When I was working in AZ I loved my job but wasn't a fan on the administration. They gave me the most anxiety and panic attacks I've ever had in my life. I remember waking up one day and going, "Oh crap, what if I never get married and have to support myself for the rest of my life and THIS IS MY JOB FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?" I knew I could always find somewhere else to work and whatever but in that moment I hated being an adult with bills to pay and responsibilities and the freaking fear that I'd have to wake up everyday and go to this job because I needed to be a productive member of society.
Long post to point out: I completely understand. Don't stay in your head too much, share, it'll be a lot easier, I promise!
Oh my sweet friend. I am sorry you are struggling with this right now. I want to remind you that you are a wonderful friend and valued so much in this world. You are one of the most genuine and real people I know! You have such a gift of making people laugh and feel comfortable with you! I understand that lonely feeling creeps in sometimes, but please know you have so many people that love and care for you. Especially this old Idaho friend. God has a plan for you and even in our darkest days he is there. Keep your head up girl. Love ya!
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