Endless Glow Tan by me - Up and Running

First and foremost thank you to all of you who have booked a tan with me! I love making people feel beautiful and a healthy glow makes everyone's day better! :) I am currently still running my $20 special, so book now to be ready for summer! I look forward to making you look an feel beautiful! Second - this starting a new business is a little tough, but luckily I have great mentors helping me along the way. I think a big problem here in Seattle is people are not wearing less clothing yet. Currently, I am sitting in my grey uggs and leggings with my heater on. :) No one wants to tan if they are not going to get to show it off. I do have a couple appointments next week for pre-vacation. And then one the following week. I knew this would be tough but I think having a full time job limits the time I can put into this. But I love it! :) I am going to throw a party in a few weeks b/c I think as June approaches people will want to tan (even though we don't get consistent sun here until July)! Just a quick update on the biz!

Endless Glow Tanning by Me!

It's official!  I am a certified spray tan tech!  Tell one tell all (who live in the Seattle area).  I cannot tell you how excited I am about this.  I loved doing the tans today and watching my friend's reactions to seeing how they looked after.  (And getting the texts later that say - my boyfriend was like "Damn girl!  You look hot!  Like you just got back from Mexico!) Here are some pics and leave a comment if you are interested in getting tan!  :)  I am running a special right now so contact me for more info!

Life is Hard

I watch way too much TV.  That is a given.  I think a lot of it has to do with being an only child growing up with a single mom.  I've always had friends and I grew up playing with kids and having lots of friends.  However, when I had to be alone, TV was the one to keep me company.  (Side note - I always just thought I was part of the Full House clan - it's probably why I still LOVE the Olsen twins to this day.)  Anyways, the point is I am not being critical of how much TV I watch, but that I watch it and really seek to understand these people as if they are my friends.  I think it is why I love reality TV.

I started watching Teen Mom years ago, when it started.  They just did an update special on all the girls.  And, it was hard to watch.  I wanted so badly to see change in these girls.  I wanted them to grow and be stronger than the people I watched when the show went off the air.  But it was the same old shit.  Farrah is still fighting with her mom and dad.  But, then is extremely codependent as she invites them to be a huge part of her life only to fight with them more.  Caitlynn and Tyler are still not married, but are living together and still dating.  Amber has made the most change, but it took a year and a half in prison to do so, and only time will tell if she can stay off drugs and be a good mom to her daughter.

My point is to not judge these girls at all.  What it made me think is, what if my life was on TV?  Would people see a different person from who I was 5 years ago?  Or would I just be an older shell of myself?  Change is great in theory and in the form of a resolution.  But is it really possible?  Yes.  I believe it is, but that does not take away the fact that it is hard.   Very hard.  And, this show made me realize it.  I am just as disappointed in myself for not being able to make changes in my life overnight, but why?  It's not that easy.  Does that mean you stop trying?  Of course not.  I need to keep going and keep working on bettering myself, but still love and forgive myself when it doesn't happen overnight.  I read on instagram a post similar to this:

The changes I want to make in myself are not just physical.  I struggle to see the good in myself in general.  I know I'm funny.  Some days I think I look pretty, but I just want to believe I am an amazing human being and people like me and want to know because of who I am, not because of how I look.  For a lot of years, I was skinny and pretty (blonde/big boobs).  I lived that persona.  Mostly, with guys.  I harbored a lot of self worth in looking good.  And, I think that is where some of my weight gain came from.  I was tired of being thought of as a piece of meat.  Although, I know I could just simply stop showing off my cleavage, and stop dressing to show off my curves, it was more than that.  It was almost a rebellion to this lifestyle I have lived where I am used to being checked out by guys.  I am learning that I need to deal with those issues and that desire to get away from that, is keeping me from truly being happy and wanting to be healthy.  I want to love myself.  I want to be healthy.  I want to be happy.  And I'm working on figuring out how...

Update

First and foremost - thank you to everyone who reached out to me about my last post.  I am so blessed to have such amazing people around me, and I am so grateful for you all!  Anna - your blog inspires me often.  I love that you are real and I thank you for showing me it's okay to speak your truth even when it's not pretty.  Rachel - thanks for your message and I know you can relate.  Having people who understand where you are coming from makes me feel less alone.  And, you are my hope that online dating is not in vain! :) Natalie - thank you for always being there for me - even when you have a lot going on in your world as well!  You are a great friend, and I thank you for being you! :)  Annie - I have never felt so lucky to call someone my friend as I do with you!  You say you feel like you are not always kind, but I have never met anyone who is able to be so nice and see the best in everyone around them.  For a girl who decides whether or not I like someone quickly, this is a trait I admire and envy.  Thank you for being my friend through all these years - I am so lucky to have you!  (Sidenote - super excited about Lady A next month!)

I am doing much better, and have done a lot of soul searching this week.  I am reading a new book about Ruth (from the bible - if you don't know her story - check it out, she's pretty amazing).  This book talks about all the suffering that happened in her life and her mother's life, and it fits in with what I am dealing with (actually, it puts things in perspective as well - this women was barren and then her husband died, leaving her basically alone in a patriarchal society - so far that's not my life! :)  I also learned how important it is to share.  When I spoke to a couple coworkers and they said they understood it was a weight lifted off my shoulders.  Then messages poured in again saying - you aren't alone!  Sometimes, that's all it takes to remember - wait I'm not alone!  I also started to think of ways I can get out of the house, make some new friends, and in general just keep myself around people instead of bottled up inside!

The best part is that I talked to my mom about this.  I try to hide a lot of the "bad stuff" from my mom.  I don't know why I do that, but I think it is from habit.  I didn't do that this time and I am glad I got to talk to her.  I am so grateful for my mother.  I did not appreciate her as I should have during my teenage years, but I am so glad we are close now.  Plus, she's a blast - so chatting with her almost always makes things better! :)
All this to say - thank you!  My family, my friend's, fellow bloggers, you all rock and I am so thankful for you!

Let's Get Real

I had a tough weekend.  I spent way too much time alone, and it lead me into a depression.  Was that the only thing that caused it?  Of course not.  I didn't feel good, we set some crazy goals at work that overwhelmed me and thing upon thing buried me until I was deep in the hole of depression.  I thought about ending it all.  But I can't do that to myself or those around me.  Depression is a deep, dark emotion that truly scares me.  When it grabs hold of me, I can't do anything except let it take me over and then I am with it in this deep, dark cave.

I used to hide all this.  I would just go to my room and cry, maybe even up my dosage on my meds.  But, now I try to face it.  I didn't call my mom all day, but she finally called me at 9:30 and I told her all about it.  Some of the things I'm facing are real, and I could change, but some are circumstantial and are not things I am in control of.  Work is a big thing for me.  I hate admitting this, but I don't like working.  I don't dislike my job (most days), but I hate getting up every day and going to work.  I hate the schedule, the fact that I "have" to do it b/c I have to pay bills and if I don't do it no one will.  It makes me feel very trapped and that is what I hate the most.

I went to bed after talking to my mom, and woke up today and chatted with some girls at work.  I thought for sure they would look at me like I'm crazy, but they could each relate to one thing that I was saying and the fact that I had all these issues all at once - they could tell why I was struggling.  It felt good to know I wasn't alone.

I realized how important it is to talk about my issues.  When I bottle it all up is when there is a problem.  But, when I share, suddenly, a world opens up around me of understanding people who are not against me, but are trying their best to make it through as well! :)  It also made me realize I'm not the only one struggling.  We all are sometimes, and so I need to be kind and loving to those around me b/c I never know what is going on in their life!!  So, thanks for listening and being on this journey with me.  I know I will have to fight this depression thing again, but as long as I stay open and honest, I know I will make it through!

New Year's Resolutions

As I get older, I hardly ever do these as I have learned they never turn out and can make you feel like a failure. However, this year I have a few good ones I want to write down and hold myself accountable.

1. Be confident - this is always something I have struggled in. It goes along with loving myself unconditionally, which I also struggle with. I am going to work on this each day and little by little hopefully what I tell myself each day will become true as internal thoughts instead of just words being said at me.

2. Excel at work - I tend to do a lot of things "good enough". I want to do really well at work this year because if I do, I can pay off most of, if not all, of my debt which would be huge for me! Also, I think working hard would really help me feel better about myself in general because it's always nice when you are being successful at work.

3. Figure out the reasons I struggle with being so lazy. Whether it is depression, working too many hours, not getting enough sleep, I want to get to the bottom of it so I can be healthy all the way around. Laying around all weekend is okay once in awhile but each weekend! Not okay! I want to enjoy life - right now I am just living.

So cheers to 2014! I hope it brings you all your hopes and desires! :)

Control Freak

So I have been thinking A LOT lately about goals and what I want to do with my life.  Maybe this happens to others when they turn 30, I don't know.  I like my job for right now.  The only thing that is tough are the hours.  I work a lot!  And I don't love that.  I think I want to be an esthetician (sp?).  I love skin and skin care.  However, this goal cannot be accomplished until a lot of things happen.

First off - my debt.  I hate that I have it, but it's true.  This is a huge reason I took this job.  I should be able to pay off my debt soon.  I will have school debt till I die, but that is okay.  Haha - not really, but it feels that way!  Credit cards were my best friend in college.  Eww.  I hate that it was true.  And worse post college when my parents stopped supporting me and I found out what the real world really was!  I was never taught good spending habits or the way to save money.  My savings account would give most people a heart attack as I am proud when there is an extra $200-300 in there.  Eek!  This is embarrassing to admit but admission is the first steps to recovery! :)  The main reason I have this job is to reach this goal.  Your prayers would be appreciated. :)  (I hope people can read my sarcasm in all this b/c I like to laugh about these things as it helps me deal!)

Step two - why I want to be an esthetician.  Flexible hours and minimal school.  This will be the perfect job for me when I have kids and a family.  Oh but wait - step two is getting the kids and the family.  Which brings me to the whole point of this post - control freak.  I cannot control when / if I will get married or when / if I will have children.  (Well I can sort of control the having kids part, but I want to have a family, not just the kid part.  Single moms are great - I know - I was raised by one, but I really want to be married as well.)  All that to say that I have realized that is the part that bothers me the most!  I cannot control when I will meet someone.  I have to let it happen all on it's own.  I don't know why it has taken me this long to realize that is my issue with the whole thing.  And, when I do meet someone, I can't control if he will feel the same way about me.  I just have to relax and get to know him as a friend and then see where it goes.

I am not bothered that I don't have a boyfriend / husband, but it bugs me I can't just wake up tomorrow and say poof here he is!  I never realized what a control freak I am before!  And what an unattractive quality.  I just need to relax (easier said than done - ha!), and know that it will happen if it should, but if it doesn't it's not my fault.  This really is not something I can control unless I want to wind up on the news!  (And I don't - well unless it's for something super amazing no one else has ever done that people are praising me for.)

I am a little embarrassed it took me this long to realize this is something I need to let go of.  And not the idea and the hope, but this feeling that somehow I can make this happen.  I really can't.  As cheesy as it is I believe in fate, and two people being meant to be together and all that.  Yes, you work on it - but it starts by these two people both saying okay this is someone I genuinely love and life would be far better with her /him than without him.  So, those are my thoughts for today.  Quite a revelation for me, but for others you probably figured this out years ago... which is why you are married. :)  Haha